| Ferris Buellers day off is a badass movie.
The way they wrote Cameron makes me a little jealous, even. Some of that dialogue...man.
| comments: Leave a comment   |
| I felt really good for about a solid week, even though I've been arguing with my significant other somewhat, but my mood could not be killed or dragged down.
I don't know what it was...Maybe it was medical ailments clearing up or getting a little bit more attention than usual or maybe even just all the badass games and comics i've been getting my hands on.
Whatever the case, I felt wonderful and normal for a solid week. It was heaven.
And it's over.
I've been reading (slowly) about depression and ways to combat it and halt it.
I do feel a little hope knowing that I can at least put a word on the mixed up, fucked up feelings I have been having.
Depression. It's like finding out you have an STD or something...you've got it, it sucks, but at least you know for sure.
I'm looking ahead and the future looks bleak, man. It looks cold and uncomfortable.
It looks fucking lonely too.
I figured that maybe posting something would help me process and understand the nameless feelings I have a little, but honestly, it just makes me feel pathetic that I don't have people to talk to about the things that bother me in life.
I lie about them, then, to make it seem like i'm cool, walking around like an idiot.
Because i've burnt all my damned bridges over bullshit.
I'm a pussy because I just want an open ear and a hug.
This life is fucking pathetic. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| All I need is more Kanye West and my pencil, and i'm on Cloud Nine.
I need music to augment my mood and allow me to be someone i'm not, so that I can be subjective, which works.
Actually, there are some OutKast lyrics that sum it up nicely.
"You're kinda fast for the fellow in class, who used to draw,
but never said much cuz half of what he saw,
was so far from that place you want to be,
that word's only fucked it up more, so follow me."
I do feel like a person abandoning the real world and trying to explain things.
I am sort of giving over to the pen and living in my own head more.
We'll see how that goes. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Maybe I'm just a little depressed from seeing off my folks.
That's what I kept thinking yesterday as I drug myself through the monotony of my everyday routine with sore eyes and slow reflexes.
I barely said a word at work, unable to pull it together enough to pretend to be a happy little chipmunk and greet people and what not. I tried to do my job, but it wasn't natural and genuine, not that i'm sure people can tell when i'm being sincere anyway.
I thought about my baby brother, a sensitive kid much like I used to be, more than likely being somewhat neglected amongst a family of people with more boisterous personalities. It wasn't exactly easy to grow up being that way, and left me open to a lot of conflict that could've been avoided if someone had been more understanding, perhaps.
I'm not trying to condemn my parents or anything...My mom works her ass off, and she's pretty much the only person devoted to the family enough to constantly risk ailing health and all of her time, energy and money to watch out for them. I'm not really sure what my dad's been doing, if anything, to help, but his multiple sclerosis tends to flare up and leave him more in need of care than anything else, so it's hard to shake a finger at him, either.
I thought about a lot of things.
I thought about how I've never been ready to do any of the things i'm doing. I know enough about raising kids, but I never took life seriously enough to make anything out of myself. Now it's this uphill scramble to try and be something before my kid learns just how pathetic I really am, which I really doubt i'll be able to do, since I can barely even decide what I want to do, let alone figure out how to do that without some serious help, that i'm lacking.
I thought about how I wasn't really raised to be anything more than a dude with a job, and that my brothers and sisters aren't exactly being groomed to fit into normal society either. It's insane. How are any of them supposed to make something of themselves without any guidance? Again, i'm not saying my parents are lame, but there are a shitload of kids to look after and we forget that we ALSO owe it to them to do more than babysit them. We owe it to them to push them towards a real future...to teach them that having money to blow and living comfortably is the reward we get for struggling enough to do it ourselves...It's not something we glean from other people.
I thought that, at one time, I was a good influence on them and that I'd done a great service to my family by putting my whole life on hold to be their guardian but...I haven't shown the older ones what they need to know now, which is how to go from job to career, and how to really be an adult. Probably, because I'm not really one.
These thoughts beat me about the head all day yesterday as I sat in a stupor, thinking about my stupid fucking stories. I have all these ideas to write about and none of the gall to do what I have to to get it onto paper. I don't know if it's irresponsible to think I could go somewhere with them...i'm sure it's not the key to solving all my problems, but Goddamn it, it's my passion and I have to at least try.
If only I could get over my own bullshit fears and just do it. I wish I was less sensitive about it, but I have to sit around and psyche myself up for like a solid day just to get to a point where I can, maybe, work on something...and then at the first sign of a struggle, I lose the spark I need to make it something special, which only makes me feel that pressure again.
All of the things that are wrong with me, that I see, are making life difficult. I don't exactly know how to deal with it.
I think about how hard it is for me to communicate with fucking anyone. I don't exactly have friends that I can go to with any problems, so much as people who may or may not listen for awhile and offer me an insincere comment or just not know what to do with it. Not that it's anyones fault they're not willing to be bludgeoned with my problems on a repeated basis, but my failure to honestly communicate goes to extremes. I can't seem to get people to really understand me, in my own house, anywhere else, unless i'm lying or speaking indirectly.
It's most likely that I'm fucking crazy, not that other people 'just don't get me'.
So I'm sitting around and i'm thinking about all this bullshit. A storybook idea for an intro to something i'm working on. My failure as a brother, father and boyfriend. A very bleak fucking future. My baby brother sobbing his eyes out and clinging to me before leaving. My mothers previous suicide attempt. A permanent blemish on my relationship record. Several of those, actually. My inability to take care of business. That I almost full on screamed at my girlfriend over a single comment. That I still find a way to feel slighted by a person who isn't really my friend. That I don't really have friends and that it's sad that I want to learn not to care about that. That for the second time ever I considered turning to a substance so that I didn't feel so insane and messed up.
I walk around and i'll still be walking around today, thinking about all of this and being unable to have a real conversation with anyone about it, trying to teach myself how to be my own best friend and unconditional lover. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Today, on a trip to take Michaela to a doctors appointment (which went supremely well, by the way...She won't need to see a heart doctor again ever!), I saw a word on a billboard.
That word brought back what I can only assume was a repressed memory of something I blocked out.
I would like it to be blocked out again, and i'm sure that when I go to sleep, it will be once again, as that seems to be a serious coping mechanism for me, albeit an unintentional one.
It wasn't pleasant. I didn't enjoy it. I wish I was more normal. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Dear Anyone,
I'm going to explode all over your face, and not in a sexy way.
Everything is putting me at odds with everything else, and I don't really know what to do, so i'm swallowing my pride and my bile and all the other bullshit and taking some sage advice, for a change.
If this works, super.
If it doesn't, i'm going to do something really really stupid.
No, i'm not going to watch 'Weekend at Bernies' or 'Ernest goes to Africa'.
I'm going to 'be a man', for once and see how far THAT bullshit takes me.
--Sincerely,
Nick. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Fuck you, Nick!!
I beat you! I mean me! I managed to start working on shit without being pissed off or under any influence but awesomeness!
It just goes to show you, that if you try hard enough, you can beat yourself! And not even beat yourself off, just the REGULAR WAY!!
I have started writing 'Refried Dean', it's badass.
Aside from that, life is alright.
My brothers leaving in a couple weeks, it sucks.
Kids almost walking, it's awesome.
Job should be awesome, it's not, oh well at least I still have one.
I'm just kind of over trying to take comfort in people. Give yourself comfort. That's what I do mostly and it's working well.
If you can find people willing to be so devoted to you, count yourself lucky because it's rare to find a person who will put in as much as you do, or more, and I don't mean like a girlfriend, I mean like ANYone.
Shit, i've sacrificed so much shit in the name of friendship, in the name of being a good son or brother or just a good guy at all and usually the only reward is that I know I did what was right, but motherfuckers don't just turn around and repay you out of pocket for being decent. Thaaaat's not how it works. So even then, you're patting yourself on the back and that's just fancy masturbation.
So then, shit...why bother being like that? Why put yourself out for someone if you're not going to get it back? I bet Oprah would say you shouldn't. But!
That's what makes this world bearable.
People who are always down for you. Sometimes even just knowing you're the guy who's always going to be down for someone.
If I can't feel something honest like that, what is the point of living?
If there is no point in living, I won't. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Fever Knot | | Time: | 02:11 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/mellow.gif) complacent |
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| Dear Livejournal,
I'm pretty bummed out because my sex is boring. I dislike going too far out of my way to have sex and keep it interesting. Toys kind of offend me. Pretending to be someone else kind of offends me too. I mean, whatever, I don't care that much but generally I engage in sex for the closeness. If I just wanted to get off, i'd take care of it myself...You don't need a person if you just want to get off.
I wonder why it is that my dick is so boring? I think everyone gets bored with shit sometimes, but I don't usually have that problem.
I don't care what it is we're doing if I get to be close to her.
Wonder why her being there is enough to get me interested, but not the other way around?
Why is it that, if shit isn't working in the bedroom it's something i'm not doing right? Is it?
Here's a small truth.
I do have to try sometimes, but I generally just want to be as close to her as possible.
That urge supercedes anything else.
Her scent makes me want her. Her eyes. A light touch. Anything.
I despise myself for not being more normal. I hate how sentimental I feel when we're alone.
I'm going to go play PSP until i'm tired enough to go to sleep, or maybe i'm going to go masturbate in my bathroom, after which I shall feel a resigned sort of detestment at myself, which I luckily will only have a trace memory of in the passing days.
It's officially time to find someone to talk to. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| I never have time when I feel like doing it.
I never feel like doing it when I have time.
I wish someone could help me out, but I know better deep down in my brain.
I have to beat myself. I'm my own worst enemy.
Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be a part of normal society.
I dislike having so many things to say and not having a person to say them to.
I have a person to say things to, I dislike not knowing how to put things.
Reality is isolation.
Isolation as a rule.
Fix your problems or get over them.
The end. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think i'd like to do something nice for somebody.
I think it's good if you smile at someone, and they smile in return.
Voluntary love encourages people to create a sense of friendliness.
Love that is unconditional gives us respect as people, however, it's wrong to force love, to try to keep it alive.
If the strain goes on, eventually it will bloom into the flower called 'lie'...the deceptively thorny flower that hurts people. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Did I just see Republican Candidate John McCain deliver a graceful and moving speech and then Barack Obama assume to position of President with not a single sign of hesitance?
What the hell happened to the country?
I sort of...think maybe I don't need to move to Amsterdam now...
<_<;; | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm too tired to write anything worth reading in this damned thing.
I'm so sick of my awesome ideas going to waste.
I want time to be more than a worker bee.
I've got to find a way to find time to do this shit before it's too late and i'm dead or 30.
Something drastic has to happen or else.
College or Bust in 09. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Kingdom Hearts Stuff | | Subject: | Screwball Attack. | | Time: | 12:09 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/mely/lemonfaces/mad.gif) Bishsaywha? |
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| I'm mostly never online anymore, so I haven't posted anything for that reason.
I don't usually have time to sit around and stare at this screen lately, with the kid developing and working and shit so...yeah.
For those of you that missed my birthday it happened and I got the most thoughtful present ever!
April actually brought my brother Jim up here indefinitely, which means he's still here, which is awesome. It sucks being hours and hours away from your whole family.
It was a pretty good day and a lot of people I didn't expect to remember it did and called me and stuff, so that was cool.
We're still like two thousand bucks behind on the rent, even though I can afford to pay it now...not that that's going to be enough for us to continue to have a place to live, perse.
I'm trying to plot a course as to what to do to get us out of the gutter, and kind of assessing things realistically, but I have a little time to do it so I'm also trying not to freak out like I tend to do.
Uh..I hacked the fuck out of my PSP, so it's awesomeness quota has tripled. Rockin.
I guess...that's it. I don't have much else to say right now. If I think of something amazing i'll be sure to uh...probably not remember to...write about it on the internet. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I was laying on the couch with my daughter, who was asleep on my chest.
When she's fretful, she tends to play with her hands and clasp them together but she was having trouble getting comfortable.
I put my hand near hers and she grasped my finger tightly then let out a content sigh and settled down.
I teared up and thought to myself that it's moments like that that make life worthwhile.
I really appreciate small things like that and I try to keep those in mind throughout the course of a day, to stay positive.
I really really love that little girl. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| That thing where instead of pushing forward into something, I get scared of starting and find an excuse not to do it.
My mind puts up blockers to distract me and keep me from making progress.
My confidence level plummets into the ocean.
It's not like it's going to be easy but fear, some rational and some irrational, is making this so hard.
I'm in awe of how hard it is to beat my own mind.
I would just love some advice on how I can get over it.
How can I beat myself, or at least get around this wall? | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| How to know when to dump a boyfriend
• Sometimes when he's talking, you hear the Charlie Brown teacher voice instead of his. • Other times when he's talking, you imagine jamming your index finger into his eye socket. • Your Web history shows a lot of activity around the Craigslist "casual encounters" section (regardless which of you is doing the browsing). • You've never been the jealous type, but suddenly feel compelled to start snooping (unless you're paranoid by nature, your gut is trying to tell you something). • The thought of spending the rest of your life -- or even the rest of the week -- with him makes you gag a little. • He tells you that you're just like his mom -- and doesn't mean it as an insult. • You don't take it as an insult. • When friends ask when the two of you are going to tie the knot, you either laugh hysterically or burst into tears. • You'd rather stay home alone than go on your dream vacation with him. • He comes home with a hickey. • You come home with a hickey. • You cry more often than you have sex. • You'd rather have a good cry than have sex.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/08/07/tf.when.to.dump.him/index.html
<_<;...Wowsers. I wonder how many of those Aly would need to bold or underline? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I want to outline this story i'm working on but i'm having trouble not getting caught up in the memories of shit from my past.
It's hard to think back to things like people whipping out guns on each other, or the feeling of someone you should be able to trust nearly putting your head through a wall for no reason.
It's hard to be subjective and not paint a picture of people as just good or bad, also.
I had written 197 pages of a novel back in high school about a guy named Julio Vaughn who was an avatar of myself, who hung out with guys and went around town having rap battles with each other. His biggest problem was girl troubles...picking between a cool tomboy and a popular chick who for some reason liked him, dispite himself.
The older I got, the more i changed it.
When I started listening to other music, I dropped the rap stuff.
Eventually I dropped the whole project until two years ago, thinking that maybe if I told a different story it'd work. Maybe something about a guy with split personalities and mental issues, using some of those characters but I started seeing something else in my head.
I sketched the problem out, and I kept drawing these pictures of me with that crazy afro, all naive and hopeful in high school and then a scruffier more jaded version of myself face to face with my other self.
That image stuck with me but the story was fucking doomed because of it's lameness, BUT, after watching 'Welcome to the NHK' I sort of realized that maybe the true story is better than any crap I could come up with.
I had been wanting to write a little story about how I met Emily anyway, which i'd planned to have an ending that related to where I am now, so I figured what the hell...let's show people the real Nick.
Neurotic, Crazy, Girl/Game/Anime obsessed, Master of Bating, Naive and impetuous Nick.
Like, let's really put it all out on the line, you know? Go for broke. Hell, i'd even include the mental issues I just realized I may have.
The only problem I have now is that, like I said, it's not easy to think back and be totally subjective. Maybe I shouldn't be, anyway.
I'm now working on character designs for the people that will show up in it, since that helps me get character voices locked away, as well as a general plot layout. I want to shoot for 9 chapters, but I need to break things up without leaving any one chapter boring as hell or redundant.
I also want to paint people grey, and less one dimensional, since pretty much everyone in the story's got problems, aside from the kids.
It'll be a test, I guess.
I'm very excited about it, but I'm also seriously dreading it, as I will until I get a basic layout done, because right now my crappy past seems to be overshadowing the point of the whole thing. I don't want it to be bitchfest 98'. I dunno. I may cut a lot of my past shit out of it, slim it way down and keep it short. I'm messing around with it still. It's very super tentative.
...
Yeah. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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